Being an aspiring private investigator means you have to notice patterns.  I’ve noticed I have been hearing a lot more about the Lakers this season.  Why?  Everytime I hear NBA news it’s always blah blah blah…Gasol is awesome. Blah blah blah…Bynum is the next Shaq.  Blah blah blah  Kobe Bryant just walked on water while hitting a game winning shot and delivering a baby at the same time.  I bet David Stern cant wait for his long awaited story of Kobe to winning a championship without the help of Shaq to come true.  Like it is going to prove he is the next coming of Michael Jordan.  The league is so desperate for that type of player.  I feel like my brain is being programmed to expect the Lakers win the 2009 Championship.  NBA front office, ” I’m callin you out!!

The NBA front office obviously favors the Lakers this year.  They said, “Lets put the defending 2008 NBA Champions in hostile territory by making them change timezones to play in LA on Christmas day”.  They couldn’t even spend Christmas day or Christmas Eve at home with their families.  Then they said, “Let’s hype up Andrew Bynum as much as possible.  He looks a little bit like Shaq and reminds fans of the last Laker Dynasty.”  Unfortunately for the League, Kobe got tired of sharing the spotlight and fell into Bynum’s leg.  The league needed to recover quick, they obviously told the refs to let Kobe get to the free throw line 20 times against the Knicks and tell Mike D’Antoni to do what he is good at, not play defense.  And during the timeout of the Laker’s last game against Boston I swear I could see mysterious figure give the refs the sign to put their whistles in their pocket.  Derek Fisher might as well have escorted Ray Allen to the prom by the way he was holding his arm on that last play.

Apparently it’s all about selling the story.  Last year we saw it, when the Celtics were reborn with the arrival of KG and Ray Allen.  The League was obviously tired of great players like Charles Barkley and Karl Malone not winning NBA Championships.  They have been building KG and his failures to even make it to the championship up for the past twelve years.  It was time for them to cash in before people focused on the next generation of superstars.  They ahd their story.  Three future hall of famers near the end of their prime, especially KG, coming together for one last hurrah to win the NBA Championship.

The NBA has obviously learned that they need to sell an NBA story in order to stay in business.  The Spurs and the Pistons almost killed the NBA.  David Stern was probably crying in his sleep dreaming about NBA fans watching two of the most boring teams in NBA history going head to head in the NBA finals.  Detroit already ruined the leagues dream team of Kobe, Shaq, Malone, and Payton and he will not let that happen again.

Right now the Lakers seem to be the only story the League has to talk about.  Nobody cares about the Celtics anymore now that they have already won the Championship.  David Stern will not allow solid fundamental defense, good ball rotation, and a lack of highlight dunks to win again.  And then there is the Cavs.  The aquisition of Mo Williams and the long awaited offensive system is not enough to appease the league.  Apparently the NBA front officeis saving the Cavs story for next year.  Just wait the headlines will read, “Can the Cavs finally win the NBA Championship before Lebron leaves for more money?”

It makes you wonder what will happen Sunday when the Lakers play the Cavs.  Will the Lakers go 4-0 against two of the East’s best because Stern wants them to?  Did the front office tell the Knicks to let Lebron go crazy to hype up a Kobe/Lebron matchup?  Will the Lakers be the team to end Cavs amazing home winning streak and be known as the streak killers of the NBA?  They have broken the Celtics streak twice.  Will Lebron get his foul calls or does everyone on the Lakers team get one free shot?  I am tired of this Laker favoritism.  As a proud long time fan of the LA Clippers, I demand justice.

Recently while preparing for my 2nd attempt of the upcoming Private Investigator Exam I have been watching a lot more Cleveland Cavalier games.  The hard work of Anderson Varejao and Ben Wallace inspire me to study harder for my test.  Who would have thought the ability to rebound, set picks, and get set up for easy dunks by a superstar could get you between $8 million and $14 million dollars a year?  If only I was a giant…  Anyways, that’s another story.  As the Chicago Bulls tried cut down the 18 point lead the Cavs had on them, the Bulls came down the court on a 2 on 2 fastbreak layup.  Ben Wallace and Varejao were trailing the play.  Lebron was guarding Tyrus Thomas who was ready to spot up in the corner if the ball came out to him.  Derrick Rose had the ball and drove to the basket against Mo Williams.  He went up for a layup and then out of nowhere flies Lebron James to block the much shorter Derrick Rose.  It was as if a Lion pounced on a small helpless bunny rabbit. 

It wasn’t just a light deflection of the ball to a teammate, it was a monstrous block that had the ability shame the best of us.  It was the type of block that would start a riot by the fans in a streetball game.  Was this block necessary to send a message to the Baby Bulls who were already down by 18 points?  Why did Lebron try to send the ball as hard as he could off the glass?   Was Lebron trying to shame the Bulls so much that it would give them thoughts of committing Seppuku the same way Ancient Japanese Samurai did when they felt dishonor?  This made me think back to the numerous times I had seen Lebron James do this to people before and the disturbing trend that many of these embarrassing blocks have been against the shorter members of the NBA.  My thoughts brought me to the realization that Lebron James picks on the little man.

I began to research evidence for my theory, viewing highlight reels of Lebron.  I came across tons of evidence.  I saw Lebron running out of nowhere, timing his kill, and blocking T.J. Ford’s fast break layup attempt.  Then again in a 2008 playoff game against the Boston Celtics, Lebron pinned Rajan Rondo’s layup to the glass for everyone to see.  Then there was the Cavs playing the Knicks.  Six foot one-inch Chris Duhon drove to the basket and Lebron sent his layup all the way to half court.  There was plenty of evidence, and every time the same routine.  Lebron comes out of nowhere from off the ball (sometimes I wonder if he came off the bench and into the game).  His eyes light up with an intense rage as if someone just insulted his mother, first-born child, and his grandmother.  He times his steps awaiting his kill to maximize the embarassment factor.  He jumps high into the air staring down at his next victim.  And then a large cheer comes from the crown as Lebron has just claimed his next victim, sending the ball as far as possible away from the basket.

I can hear the cynics now, pointing out the fact that Lebron just blocked Yao Ming the last time they played Houston.  Yes, I remember that block, but it only happened once.  Lebron rarely blocks big men.  When is the last time you saw him send back one of Shaq’s dunks?  What about Dwight Howard or Amare Stoudemire?  Those guys score a lot of their points in the paint which is an easy place to get blocks, yet I don’t see Lebron blocking big men that much.  Some would argue Yao Ming is a little man in a big man’s body, but that is another story.

Besides monstrous blocks on the small guards of the NBA, I started to remember some of Lebron’s best dunks.  I recall two where he instantly embarrassed the people he dunked on.  One came in a game against the Miami Heat a few years back.  It was a two on one fast break and Lebron just received a bounce pass and decided to make a poster out of the smaller Damon Jones.  Halfway through the dunk Damon Jones begged for mercy but his pleads were not met.  I am surprised Lebron didn’t give Damon two punches for flinching.  Again, Lebron was on another fast break against the Boston Celtics before they were good and had Delonte West on the team.  Lebron caught the ball off a pass and kneed Delonte West in the chest as he flew over him for the one handed dunk.  Delonte West fell hard to the ground as Lebron fell ever so gracefully back to the earth.  I was seriously worried for Delonte West’s health.  I had never seen someone get dunked on so hard.  Why had Lebron dunked over both of them so hard?  Why not a strong power layup like he gives to so many others?  Do you think there is any coincidence in the fact that both Damon Jones and Delonte West later on ended up playing with Lebron on the Cavs?  Some would say trades or a better opportunity, but the truth is they chose to play beside Lebron to escape the future embarrassment.

We all know Lebron possess the ability to jump high, block whoever he wants, and dunk on the world.  As a person who stands 5′5″ tall I am offended.  We already have it hard enough trying to get girls, reaching the tops of refrigerators, and knowing we are at a disadvantage when it comes to being the president because statistics shows the taller man always wins.  I simply ask him to spread the wealth amongst the rest of the league.  Vince Carter was another high flier who was in the business of posterizing players.  His clients included Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutombo, and Shaquille Oneal.  With Lebrons ability he could most certainly posterize the likes of Dwight Howard or Greg Oden.  I don’t want to hear anything about the dunks Lebron had over Tim Duncan and KG.  The one over Duncan was soft and KG was just a third help defender who got caught under the basket.  Neither of them even jumped to contest the dunks.  They don’t even compare to what Vince has done.

Why so much hate for the little man?  Is he secretly mad that he had a growth spurt in high school which eventually led to play small forward instead of point guard?  Did a younger Lebron used to get blocked all the time when he was 6 feet tall?  And1 streetball and mixtapes were very popular during Lebron’s early age.  Is there some unseen footage somewhere of Lebron getting embarrassed And1 style by a little guy and being forced off the court because the shame was too much for any man to play with?  Only Lebron knows.